I went round and round about sharing this here (it’s something I’d only shared on my personal FB page and to a limited audience at that) but after talking with my husband, my family, and freinds, I’ve decided that it’s part of my testimony, and not just mine, but that of my family and my children’s as well.
“Having children is a blessing. Being able to have children, even more so. I was told, years ago, by my very much trusted, and tried and true OB, that I may never be able to conceive. God brought 3 boys (and my husband) into my life who very much needed a mother, and not just a mother but a Mom who could actually be present. And then we were blessed with the surprising and much anticipated arrival of Grayson, whom we thought would complete our family. Two miscarriages down, one of which we suffered two weeks ago, and one that was four years ago, it does not get easier. It’s not as simple as, you didn’t even know so that makes it easier. It’s still and always a struggle, and each time we have to claw our way back to the surface. That ‘knife’ I feel digging inside me each time, is one that cuts to the soul. I am blessed that I have a husband who ‘gets’ it even when some days he really doesn’t. I will always thank my God for the family he crafted for me, and I will look for those two souls when I pass, but for me, for US, they’re still very much present and a part of our lives. Don’t discredit them, their worth, their value. My babies are my babies … From start to finish. And one day we will get to meet.”
The love and grace I’ve received from family and friends has been nothing short of amazing, also both eye-opening and pretty damn humbling. I’ve also heard other mothers’ stories of love and loss, and through all the tears, hugs, love, and tissues there’s one thing I can’t stop thinking about. Why did I suffer and struggle in such silence the first time we tried to wade through these uncharted waters. Why didn’t I reach out for the life preserver that was my friends and family?? Why didn’t I let them share my burden, my hurt, my heartbreak and help me heal??
What I’m learning this time around, since breaking my silence, is that having a miscarriage, loosing a baby, a life– interrupted, isn’t something that can be helped, and it is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. So why is it such a taboo subject for us to share?
I still can’t answer that question myself, but what I have learned is this:
Ladies, you are not alone. You do not have to go through this alone. You and your s.o. Do not have to go through this alone. You have no idea how many of your friends and loved ones have been where you are now. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Even when words may not suffice, or there’s nothing left to say, let them hug you, let them love you. Let them celebrate life, and loss, with you. It will give that precious life, interupted, the importance it deserves. And you, because whether you meet your child in this life or the next … You are still a mother. You are their Mother. And neither of you will ever forget one another.
So why should anyone else?
I’m sorry, Meaghan. I’ve been there as well and I understand.
There are no words for your loss, Meaghan, I really am so sorry. I think you are wonderful for sharing your experience and your feelings though, because you’re right, you’re not alone xx